I say, F**k Nostalgia

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Are people in the future just going to be laughing at us if they can time travel. They are probably right here right now . They’re probably invisibly walking around staring like we stare at an aquarium pointing at the primitive creatures that never made it to the shores. How we spend so much time doing the things we hate . How we are constantly held back by selfishness, how we all look the same but hate each other regardless. How you can get a few million of us in one place and yet when you zoom in, you see how alone everyone feels. I know they’d at least never want the world to return how it was. They sure as hell would never be nostalgic about our world today.

But you know what, I try to feel that way too. Apparently we ’re supposed to look around, like read the end of history and think that everything is fucked and that it all gets gradually worse. But that’s bullshit. I look back ,and,  I have had very sad days, but I can only speak for myself when I say I have never had so much as I have right now.

I look back, and I was never this poor, but I have never been this focused either.

I have never been this stressed, but I was never this responsible.

I was never this discouraged, but I was never this engaged like I am now.

I was never this tired, but, I was never myself either like I am now

I was never this afraid but, I swear to God I was never this determined.

I don’t know a lot, but I know I’d never want to be any me, except for this one.

Sometimes we get exhausted, feel hopeless, and just want to be someone’s kid again for a minute and have nothing to worry about for days, but, on other days (most days) I always  remember  how I’ve never enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy the things I have accomplished, and the people I have met and know because of who I am now.

I want people to know that things do get better , and I want people to know that fear cannot change the world because love is the only thing motivating enough to shape the future.

What do you say about your own past?

If asked, I would just say am glad I kept going. Whenever I think of my past self, I am so thankful that despite all the assholes and bullshit, my old self didn’t give up. I am only here, a place I like, because of my old self.

It’s not Nostalgia, It’s not regret. It’s just….gratitude

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Adulting, for dummies

adultingThey told you to prepare for adult life. The told you to learn ‘relevant skills’, go outside and meet someone, but the never told you how.  They definitely never told you about all the other shit you’re going to be learning when you are trying to pour drinks, or learn how to type, or dancing for people to make a living. You had to learn a lot.

You had to learn to be alive but not exist because people look at you and willfully ignore anything, beneath the surface.

You’ve had to learn how to bury the anger because if you didn’t, all there would be is anger.

You’ve had to learn how to imitate humans, so you can pass as one of them, but, you’re still worried about being discovered.

You’ve had to learn how to live with the knowledge that one day all these will be over . And all you can do is desperately try to make ripples in the water, to prove you were here before you sink below forever.

And you’ve had to learn how to live with the fact that millions of people won’t even get that much as you do, because, overwhelming heartbreaks and injustices are a constant and you were just lucky not to be born into it. Empathy…

They never told you that one day you’d feel if it wasn’t for work, you just want to sleep forever, that sometimes the mechanisms that let you go anywhere, can also paralyze you. The competition that anyone can win is also what can help you destroy yourself by constant comparisons to everyone else in the race. You can be independent, and attractive, with a decent job, and an apartment, and still feel like a total failure half the time.

Sometimes it feel like you are stuck in some kind of permanent branch between school and adulthood, constantly expecting maturity to kick in , in a way TV said it would. But as the years passed it never seems to happen, and you keep waiting, but it keeps being deferred.

They never told you none of this.

So, you are just going to sip coffee from your favorite mug like an adult , because at least, that’s the only adult thing you know.

 

 

 

Preconception

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Yesterday was Transgender Day of Remembrance , Love and light to all trans genders  and gender non-conforming awesome humans out there.

Just a random thought. Naitore (she is the best writer, and she has this great fondness to books, it’s not even human) , help me here darling. I am here thinking that we actually should judge a book before you actually read them because often they are way better before we read them. No?

PS: This doesn’t necessarily describe where am at with life at the moment.

Anyway, this is for anyone who can resonate with me, lmao.

We are all living in the context that assholes have created, and it’s hard to get past that sometimes, I guess. All we can do is be ourselves and hope someone sees us for our ideas and opinions and our genuine love for humanity, and the part of us that matches them. I mean that’s what everyone wants, right? As opposed to reminders of how we’re different or whatever for the 500th time. Hopefully am making sense here, and if am not, it’s okay too. It’s like a dating profile is kind of a metaphor nowadays, in a way that there is always so much there but people never see past the first couple of sentences before they ‘swipe right’.  Like a book club were no one actually reads the book.

We are just invisible behind whatever makes us different and people fucking wonder why they can’t find anyone? And it’s not like everyone is a sociopath, but I think prejudice has fucked everyone up to the point that even good people let each other down. I can deal with being stereotyped by idiots (because the world forced me to be tough), but it’s the non-assholes that hurt. I think most of us have dated someone who was clearly just there because they like idea of being progressive enough to date someone like us, yeah? As in the idea of us, instead of the person. So not only do we get assholes treating us differently, but we get others treating us differently in response to how other people have treated us. DO NOT TRY BE A SAVIOUR!NO ONE NEEDS SAVING! Yeah we get it why they do that, or maybe we don’t, but it’s just one more reminder of how we are ‘the other’, how even people who should know us better can’t really see us because of labels. We’re always pursuing people for reasons other than that what’s in their head, without even realizing it, again like a book club where no one ever reads the book, and no one connects with anyone. Suddenly everyone is sad, and that’ one more legacy of prejudice. Maybe one day we’ll all notice how much we’re sabotaging ourselves, how it shouldn’t be this fucking hard to find love. How much do we need to miss out for us to pay attention? How alone do we have to be? How much does it have to hurt, you know?

Love & Light.

 

 

 

 

 

un día a la vez

kk.jpgEveryday, every year, every point of your life is it’s own world, it’s own box and you can choose to stay, or you can choose something slightly better or something slightly worse. And one day you will say to yourself , ‘what I really want is a box that is waaaaaay up there, so its impossible’.  Other people must be born up there or something, and sometimes they are. However, taking one step up is super easy, and you can do that. You can get to tomorrow, and the day after that, and same with next Tuesday, and next month and also ten years from now. And then one day you will look back, and you’ll look down and realize you are a million miles away and a million days from where you started. You’ll question yourself how you did it. You did it because all you had to do was something slightly better than the time before that . No one can jump that high, but everyone can take one small step.

Again, you might look far down and think, you can never fall that far. There is a part of us that’s capable of terrible things because all of us can do something that is a little bit worse than last time. That’s how bad things get done. One day you wake up and realize you can’t even see the light from where you used to be. Shit happens.

The world is part good and part bad and part of being alive is the journey to a place you can’t believe how far you’ve gone, and that’s the beauty of not being able to see in front of you and it’s a curse as well. That’s just a part of life. But wherever you are there is always tomorrow, and there is always a way out.

I really think most people are good, and there are few in every room who aren’t but we cant have a world without everyone, just like you cant have freedom without other people doing other things with it. Just like you cant have next week without hope for the future because you cant see it yet , I mean , it could be anything. The freedom to not know the future lets us focus on ourselves.

Everyday has 24 hours, and by the 24th of them I am  ready for every part of me to be unconscious except from he part that takes pieces of the day and makes dreams of it. Part of everyday is hard to deal with. Part of every year and a huge part of my life is just trying to feel better before and after a setback for myself or for humanity. Trying to BELIEVE despite knowing that bad days would definitely follow , trying to be happy with only being happy some of the time, trying to glimpse hope and then memorize how it looks like. And even trying to feel like I have the right to feel better when the world is composed of so many different places and I was just fortunate to be born into this one.

There is a reason a person has different sides, and life has different phases,and it’s the same reason we have calender’s instead of nothing, and centuries instead of being tied to the past, and stairs instead of the impossible, and people who have the time to change and grow and be so many different things.

Imagine a world where, faced with the infinite, we find ways to manage one day at a time, one step at a time on the way to something greater.
Tomorrow is another world just a few feet away but far enough to always give you hope.

I hope I’ll see you there.

Love & Light.

Forbidden

Originally posted on Miss Naitore:
I’ll be lying if I said this was an easy topic to air out. I have had encounters with people who’ve had different perspectives on sexuality. And the beauty of being surrounded with such diversity is that you learn to…

Secluded thoughts on RAFIKI

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(This is  just my stupid but valid  two cents)

RAFIKI.

82 minutes, felt like a mere 25 minutes.

The film got so close to the Oscars. It sucks that it didn’t, but still, great achievement guys!! Hats off!

I am still contemplating on the Film, I feel I have a long way to go, but I will  try say what I feel about it so far.

Fuck the colonial laws that criminalize LGBTIQ community in our country. But, that’s not my point today. Maybe another day? Am actually not so good at these politics. I have friends who can debate on this for hours. Obi, are you there? I will let them do their job.

First of all, The two lead casts were first time actors, and they did a splendid job. Bravo!

Straight to the movie.

I found RAFIKI  a coming-of-age film, but one that achieves an unusual emotional immediacy

To me, the film  is  actually the black mirror of our society right now on same sex relationships.

One would say it’s a typical love story. It actually was a very very traditional love story, nothing fancy.

But again, I personally don’t think the movie was about a love story, well what I mean is , that wasn’t the key subject here. We have watched so many of these love stories already.

I acknowledge greatly that I totally  relate to the film, mainly because we are used to being shown how our society show no mercy to  gay folks and trans people, more than any other differently identifying persons in the community. Normally, they just show us that only gay people get to be physically ambushed, beaten up, mocked on the streets, raped among other inhuman things, and on the other side lesbians and other feminine representing folks kind of ‘get away ‘ with this. That’s totally not the case. I was happy that people got to know that this happens to the entire spectrum. Doesn’t matter how you express yourself, be it very masculine, or very feminine, or in the middle, or both masculine or feminine,  all  identities face  the same wrath from the unaccommodating community. It doesn’t matter what gender identity you represent, be it gender non-conforming, none-gender, woman, man, transwoman, transman, neutrois, all demi’s, intersex…name them all, they all get to face the wrath.

However, I didn’t feel Ziki’ and Kena’s  sexual chemistry and energies, we just had a few very short shots of kisses and snippets of moaning, so uuum, that’s okay too. I just don’t know what I expected, I could be a little pervert. The long stares were intense though, I die for these.  I could see my seatmate in the theater caught up in the moment. It felt like sanitized intimacy, which was good, We all get to fill in the gaps and imagine anything I want to. They say ‘leave little  for the imagination’, yeah?  I had the perfect pictures in mind. Reminds me of my very few floppy sexual encounters in the past, they still haunt me !!

Let’s talk about family. I felt like Ziki’s mom was very educated and informed on the subject matter, and maybe that’s why she wasn’t too hard on the two lovers. However, even though she understood what was happening, I felt she didn’t feel she had any choice (of course everyone has a choice) to let her daughter sway that way, mostly because the community wouldn’t allow her to. She felt the need to protect her daughter.  I feel If they were in a different environment, where same sex relationships are legal, she would her showered Ziki her blessings. She opted to send her daughter far away, which also means, she is free to do and be whoever she wants, but just not here in Kenya. She just doesn’t want her daughter to be hurt on her watch.

On the other hand, Kena’s mom got her exorcised (haha, am just being dramatic she was just prayed for surrounded by a bunch of holier than though folks, I can relate), and even after that, she was totally done with her.   Kena’s dad however still loved her daughter unconditionally, even though he was losing a lot as a result of the hostile events that happened, and if he wanted he could easily blame it on Kena. It was so good to see him not blame her for these loses.  It wasn’t Kena’s fault, It was the ignorant and self-righteous societie’s fault. Kena’s dad has his flaws, but he is a good man. This dude is cute too, woah! Anjili confessed and  seconded me on this.

Kena’s buddy Blackstar, very homophobic guy. I could feel how he was torn with the fact Kena is attracted to Ziki. I could see his struggle to accommodate and be a friend to her and still stick to his ‘beliefs’ on the matter. Honestly, I didn’t understand how the relationship between the two ended. I got lost. This relationship reminds us how LGBTIQ folks  loose some friends when they come out, willingly or unwillingly, and also could gain new ones (When Kena silently sat with the gay guy, it was like they were resonating with each other’s pain).

Couldn’t help notice that the entire cast didn’t try any American or the cliché’ deep African accent, they were just being Kenyans. It was refreshing.

The sound tracks!!!!! Wooooah!!!!!! Just Splendind!!

PS: Am still getting my head over this, maybe more to come, or not.

Love and Light, Stay Zen!!

 

 

 

 

Line between Self-Love and Selfishness

(I had an enlightening conversation today with a splendid human, Bless your heart.)

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Narcissism? No we are not talking of those extremes today, I will sometime though.

Earlier today work got a little bit monotonous, I randomly started wondering if there really is a difference between self-love, and selfishness. It sounds so easy but to me, it’s still revelatory. I believed there is no way one can attend to themselves without being selfish.

Most common events: Do we often feel guilty saying no to a loved one? I did, it killed me. Actually I was a victim to all of these instances. Do we say yes to things we don’t want to? Do we run ourselves down trying to show up for people every time? Do we worry more about others and consequently put our needs aside to attend to these?

If the above is true, this trauma we have from selfishness could be hindering us from really experiencing self-love, and this, could be dangerous.

Story of my life: I was (not really sure of my current situation but am mostly aware) saturated constantly and exhaustingly with an almost conscious belief that having actual defined boundaries, saying no and mean it, pursuing my dreams and needs before others’ were acts of selfishness. Of course if you asked me blankly if these things were selfish, I would rationally say no, but how I felt inside was a whole different fucked up story, again, it just killed me slowly.

Recently, I realized this pressure to always be there, and being unable to distinguish between self-love and selfishness, often caused me a lot of anxiety, unhappiness, and mostly exhaustion. This fear slowed down my goals, and also drained me of my vital energy. It gets to a point I felt overwhelmed and overloaded, ad mostly resentful. I was worn out and trapped by my own guilt. I mean, I would show up, or help one I need, but not with joyful generosity. This also explains a lot of my social anxiety. Again, someone helped me realize this, am grateful for that hard talk, Liss :).

I decided to have boundaries. I thought about it and I figured it would not just protect me, but also conveniently protect  others from the resentment that naturally arises from me overextending myself for them. This makes so much sense to me.

I believe I will cultivate a peace of mind and healthier peace of mind when I master when to be generous and when to be self-attentive. I still want to be empathetic and feel open, and still practice self-love.

Redundant, but a note to ourselves (was told I love lists, I can as well do this), we are not selfish when:

  • We want our time alone
  • We focus on our personal spiritual and creative pursues, however stupid
  • We say no
  • We eliminate people with negative energy
  • We take care of ourselves, and put us first
  • We value my time, resources and energy
  • We focus on our personal, private, creative or spiritual pursues.
  • We eliminate negative people and just anything from our lives.

So you call me selfish just because am doing any of the above, you are the damn selfish person here, and…maybe I should Eliminate you from my life and actually share my time and anything to do with me with those who think worthily of my desires.

Last note: I used to say “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.”, I decide I will do and say as Jon advised, I will now say, “I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me.”. Makes sense? I bet it does. He insists that best gift you can give someone on this matter is your own personal development. I believe him.

Love and Light.